get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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