I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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