she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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