thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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