Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
