I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
