Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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