he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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