Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
