when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
