Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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