someone threw a dead crab at me
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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