I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
