I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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