A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
