I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
