Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
