I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My ass is underappreciated
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
