She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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