even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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