Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
