She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
