just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
