True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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