I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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