This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So vagazzling was a success
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
