And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
