i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
