I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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