How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
