We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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