Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
