ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
