I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
