yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
