Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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