my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
