Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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