I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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