Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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