I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
