So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
