you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
