Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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