you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
