You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
