I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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