Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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