I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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