He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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